amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
