i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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