i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
