I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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