my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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