Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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