I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
