That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
