That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
