there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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