On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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