his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
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If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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