So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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