fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
