We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
