there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?