I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
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A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
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Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul