Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
