guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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