You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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