just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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