You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
