He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
