I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
