I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think I just sharted jello shots
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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