I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I cut my penus on the lid.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Did I show you my penis last night?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My life is pants optional.
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