he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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