I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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