Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
