i would punch a child for taco bell
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
