Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
