gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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