i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
