I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
