she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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