I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Is Oprah even human
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
