Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
