omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
