hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
