can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
