did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
