So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
