I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
