You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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