At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I puked a lego.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There's even glitter on my cock...
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