somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
