I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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