Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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