My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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