All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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