I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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