I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
