woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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