Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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