i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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