At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
