I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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